Woosh

Sadness. Melancholia. Depression. Longing.

I'm really scared that I come off as one dimensional. That I can come home after meeting the new girlfriend and actually convince my mother that I'm happy. That when I study oppression, that it actually doesn't bother me. That I watch documentaries just because they are fun.

Not true.

I want to be honest more than I want to come off as happy. Maybe the opposite is happening.

"It's so depressing" I half-chuckled as I glanced at my prayer flags.
"It was so cathartic!" I exuberantly exclaimed after spending 7 minutes listening Ben Gibbard narrate the most painful moments of my love life.
"This book is so pessimistic. I love it"

Maybe there is something wrong with me.

I have taken Victor Hugo's definition of melancholia to the point of absurdity and I'm embracing the joy more than the sadness.

Maybe someday I will just let myself be sad, disillusioned, and real.

The world is messed up and I still quite can't let myself believe it.

Plan for a happier self:

Sleep now. Wake up early. Exercise. Meditate. Listen to pretty music. Embrace the fact that I am single (and will be). Clean room. Don't be afraid to dance. Work hard. Live life. Feel music. Eat what pleases and only what pleases. Shower. Floss. Nudity. Voiced appreciation. Asking questions. Pleasure reading. Poetry. Flowers. Taking moments to stop.

It's time to start writing again. I have a journal that screams--FINISH ME!

I have music that says dance to me

I have a body that says appreciate me

I have friends that say love me

I've been thinking a lot about the person I was at this time two years ago. I liked her.

Back to work, back to understanding, and back to searching.

Maybe then, I will like myself.

The word typed into my search engine is "suffering", I don't exactly remember where that is from. It makes me think of the times I return to my internet browser to find Satyagraha typed into wikipedia or when I find my Norton Anthology of Poetry opened on my floor. I wonder, would someone else accidentally stumbling across the details of my life fall in love with me the way I am seemingly in love with myself? Narcissism. I know. I know too well and blame it on being an only child. On being insecure. On being in love with everyone else. It is 12:40 and I have my book for company feeling the anxiety in my stomach of the continued disappointment. Should I go to sleep or finish my book? I listen to Arcade Fire and smell senior year of high school through my car windows. The Summer in the Pacific Northwest flashes past my synapses and I remember that life once meant so much. It still means so much. That is what is overwhelming. When things mean so much all you can do is be numb, ignorant, or just academic. Don't ever let that be me.

I forgot how good it feels to write in here.

I got an email from my Daddy today. The contents were the following:

Masumi spices

 

Ground nutmeg

Bay leaves

Chili Dash

Smoked paprika

Garlic herb seasoning

Dill seasoning

All purpose seasoning

Tarragon

Allspice

Ginger

Cardamom

Smoked chipotle

Cinnamon

Cumin seed

Garam masala

Italian herbs

Sage

Garlic salt

Chinese 5 spice

Summer savory

Oregano

Basil

Rosemary

 

 

Dance Smith, Pharm.D.

Clinical Informatics Specialist / ADPAC CSS

VA Puget Sound Health Care System

In other areas of life:

Perkins kids share cookies
Almost strangers study in  my room
Leaves hold suspense and sentimental meaning
Making dinner and tea at 3 in the morning
Small talk in three different languages
New infatuations
Music that reminds me of old ones
Beautiful smiles
Beautiful bodies

Today is a good day.

Becoming an MPC is probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. This community is warm, loving, intense, caring, and persistent. Sitting with them, I realize that there are so many things outside of myself that are important. I simultaneously realize that I am also a part of something that is much bigger than myself. I recognize more parts of my identity, and feel even more accepted. Somehow I believed that things couldn't get better; but like everything, limits are just as impermanent as success. I'm trying not to hold onto this feeling with urgency, but just to accept it, know that in times of sorrow, I can look back on days like these. This is why I miss Brown.

This is also a good time to realize that there are things outside of myself, because he seems to get along really well with his prospective student. Although I'm a little heart broken, I am also really grateful that he is reaching out to me as a friend. In the long run, friendship is what matters.

Attention: There will be an Angels in America marathon either the 3rd or 4th. Perkins 105. Everyone is invited. It will just be a nice time for people to come, chill, catch up, and be inspired by the most beautiful thing to grace life.

Life is beautiful.

I love you all.

-Masumi

I had a brief conversation with my mom about people to marry and found this out from her:

If I married these people, she would have some problems:
Child molesters
Sexual predators
Republicans

If I married these people, she would be very happy:
Chefs
George Harrison's son

For the breakthrough collaborative blog. It won't be published to after Monday, so if you have any feedback, let me know!

I am so excited but nervous about this summer, I sometimes can't even sit still. Education speaks to me because it teaches people how powerful they are. Good education opens people's minds and gives them the tools to affect positive change in the world around them. More importantly, it stimulates curiosity, which will make the students the agents in their own educational experience in any setting. I am both excited and nervous because this is such an important and lofty task where if I succeed I will make a significant difference in someone's life, but if I don't I could leave my students disinterested in some of the most excited things to learn about. When I first told Dr. N, my high school teacher, about my plans to teach this summer, she reminded me, "Teaching is 80% love and 20% academic". I have a good amount of control over my academic knowledge of the subjects, but my ability to teach will be testing so much more than that. I hope that my love and enthusiasm will transform into effective, passionate teaching. The best way to find that out is empirically, which I luckily am about to do.

I am especially excited to be teaching about civil rights history. I feel that civil rights history is one of the most engaging subjects in existence. If anything will show these children that they have the potential to shape tomorrow, civil rights history should. But this also brings me to my second worry: How will I ever learn enough about civil rights history to be able to teach it? I have never learned about civil rights history in a formal setting, though I have done some reading on my own. Two days ago, I went back to my old high school and visited with Mrs. D. about teaching about the Civil Rights Movement. She left me with a lot of good names, events, and places to look up. More importantly, she left me with some good questions and ideas. I never knew that she grew up in a segregated school. Just talking to her about her personal experiences made me feel more connected to the problems people faced during that time. This makes me think that it would be valuable for my students to interview witnesses of the Civil Rights Movements. I would love if I could have people's family members come into the classroom, or if I could encourage my students to find people to interview. It would be a wonderful way to connect my classroom to the community. Yesterday, I went to the book store and picked up The Autobiography of Malcolm X, Race Matters, and A Different Mirror. Soon, I'll be going to the library to get some books that specifically focus on the Civil Rights Movement. Until then, I will be using the internet to learn what I can.

I also look forward to teaching Swing Dancing. Sometimes I wonder if I should have stuck to a more serious extra-curricular proposal, but I think that something fun would be more beneficial for me and my students. Additionally, students can learn about interpersonal interaction, confidence, and respect through ballroom dancing.

I can't wait for this to start--this is going to be such an adventure!

"The opposite of war isn't peace, it's creation"

I believe that was from RENT. I remember in fourth grade, I saw the show and immediately fell in love with it. Like the cool angsty teenagers who wrote Nirvana lyrics on their tennis shoes, I decided to write my favorite RENT lyrics on my notebook. This one was my favorite.

I really believe that creation makes the world go round. It's expression, emotion in tangible form, and connection. I could easily spend these few days at home doing nothing, or I can try to experience the world a little. I really want to achieve the latter. I don't see myself doing anything radical, but I would love to spend the next few days living the life that dreamed about when I was too busy to enjoy the beauty in leisure. So, this is what I plan to do for the next few days:

Take walks
Cook
Make clothes
Write
Read
Go to the Seattle International Film Festival
Memorize poetry
Read the New Yorker and The Economist
clean, purge, and delete
Dance
Sing
Take the bus
Try out new things

It's good to be home. Last night, my mom and I saw "You Can't Take It With You" and it really spoke something to me. Already, I've liked the play because the crazy family reminds me of my own (I think I'm more of an Essie than and Alice), but the Grandfather's monologue stood out to me more than ever this time. Why not just do what you love? Wouldn't the world be such a better place if everyone just did what they loved? Oh no, I am losing my ability to write coherently. I want to go off on so many tangents now. In celebration of the fact that I won't need to be coherent for the next two weeks, I'm just going to write a few words.

Markism
The girl with a brain disease that I met in the Airport
Mitch Ablom
Seven degrees of separation
Fancy restaurants
Death
Change
Desire
Standing ovations for mediocre performances
Sasquatch

The world is beautiful. Make it your own.

Love,
Masumi